I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
