Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
