I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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