So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Duck Duck Cougar?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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