Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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