if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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