respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
