Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
