I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
