A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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