dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
