I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Is Oprah even human
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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