based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize