I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
