She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
