nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
