I cut my penus on the lid.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
