i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize