Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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