oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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