Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
