if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
don't judge my taste in strippers
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Help. Why am I so naked?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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