I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
