it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
