Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
