Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
