I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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