Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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