I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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