i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
