Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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