I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
