I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
