I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
