Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
