First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize