Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
