Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
