I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
