she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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