Porn is love you can see.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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