mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
