Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
