my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
