a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
