if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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