Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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