this just has baby written all over it
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
