just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
