She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
