Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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